19
Jun
12

Smile

Tomorrow Drake will be 4 months old, 7 weeks adjusted. Lately, I have been longing to see him smile. I know that all babies do things in their own time and that is doubly, triple-y true for preemies, but I want to see him smile at me.

I know another new mom. She was due 3 days after me and had her son at term. I think she’s awesome and her little boy adorable, and she’s had her own things to deal with. But…it’s hard to watch what could have been so often.

To just have “new mommy” worries, and not medical ones. I’m so scared that I’ll miss something with his hernia, or not feed him just right and cause another reflux-i-sode. Or that I’ll use his braces incorrectly and he’ll have to start his clubfoot treatment again.

I want to let go of the feelings of doubt and guilt from going into labor so early. I didn’t have any infections or signs of pre-eclampsia. Why did my water randomly break. Maybe if I just had the answer?

So smile for Mama, little one. Each day that I spend with you makes me forget the guilt, the worry, and the fear. Each day I watch you fight your battles so effortlessly and with such a patient nature for a wee man makes me fight to be happy and find that new normal for you.

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Drake’s 3rd Birthday

February 20th, 2015

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