I can’t bring myself to order the birthday supplies. It’s 22 days to Drake’s birthday. We’ve picked out the perfect decorations, cake and tableware. It was fun to do so, but I just can’t make myself check out and pay.
We’ve agreed to a small gathering at Gammy’s (hubby’s mom) house of only great aunts & uncles so about 7 people including us. Adults only as we’re in RSV isolation still.
He is so amazing. He deserves his journey of the past year to be celebrated with unwavering joy. The timeline of memories leading up to Drake’s premature birth are painful and/or guilt inducing ones.
On this day last year, I found out my Granny was dying of perforated bowel. She was 93 and suffering from advanced dementia. She died on the day of my baby shower February 5, 2012. I wasn’t able to travel for the funeral as I was already classified as high risk. Knowing now that I had Drake 15 days later, I’m so glad I followed that medical advice. 15 days is the difference between a 27-28 weeker versus a 30+2 weeker. What I did experience was hysterical grief. I loved my grandmother, and not being able to say goodbye on my own terms plus pregnancy hormones was an awful combination.
Then the following Friday, I was in a minor car wreck as I lost control in some ice and slid into the car in front of me on the way home from work. Everyone was fine, and my car sustained only minor damage. I called the doctor right away and they advised me that as long as my kick counts were going ok I could wait to come in at my regular appointment time on Monday. Everything checked out fine. My blood sugar from the Gestational Diabetes was well under control as was my chronic hypertension. I wish I had stayed home that day as my husband asked me to, or left work the hour early I was supposed to.
My appointment to preregister for the hospital was scheduled for 2/20/12 at 1pm. My son was born at 10:09am by emergency cesarean because he was breech and I was 6 cm and 85% effaced.
Some things are foggy whether due to medicine, exhaustion, stress or magnesium. I don’t know.
My darling boy. What an amazing fighter you are. Mommy is still sorting out getting all the what ifs and if/thens out of my system.