27
Apr
13

Age is Just A Number

19 minutes ago, my son reached 12 months adjusted age.

Today, we used our Zoo membership we received at Christmas for the first time. It was a gorgeous 65 degree day, and Drake just loved being outside and riding in the stroller.

He especially loved the ducks. He makes a sound we are pretty sure is a quack at them. He also was fascinated by the cows. We just did a 2 hour jaunt. Since we have an annual pass, there’s no reason to try to make him do a whole day and everything at once.

I was a nervous wreck reminding the other adults to wash hands and not let him touch surfaces. All I could think about was the fact that we did our job and kept him isolated that first year, but now what will happen.

And I hate it. I just want to enjoy family outings and milestones. I want to let the fear and horror go. It’s time to try to move on somewhat. I know that it is.

A family member was with us. She pointed out a very, very pregnant lady to me and said, “Look at her. Doesn’t she look miserable and ready to pop? Aren’t you glad you never had to go through that?”

WHAT?

I just said, “No, I would much rather have walked around miserable than go through the NICU and not bringing my baby home right away.”

What I wanted to do was slap her.

I have no way of knowing how uncomfortable the 31st through 40th weeks of pregnancy are. I only made it to 6 months, 2.5 weeks.

But I know what it’s like to lie alone in a hospital bed sobbing because you haven’t touched your child that has a tube down his throat helping him breathe as you listen to babies crying in all the rooms next to yours while you try to pump out trickles of milk that just won’t come.

I can’t be philosophical today. I can’t be thankful that my journey wasn’t as hard as it could have been.

All I can do is cry over the fact that I should be celebrating a 1st birthday, and instead I’m worried about my 17lb 14 month old who is refusing to eat again suddenly.

I could keep ranting, but it definitely won’t make me feel better, and it will make me look like the crazy person some people think I am these days.

After the zoo, we went to the grocery store. The awesomeness of doing this mundane errand as a family was ruined for me by the cashier’s oh he’s cute how old?

14 months..

Really? He seems small.

…sigh

I changed my mind. Can we be on isolation until he’s 18?

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Age is Just A Number”


  1. April 27, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    I love you but always remeber that he is here with you. Smile. It’s harder, people will always say stupid things, and you don’t yet know what your journey will bring you and yes, it’s effing scary…but he’s here with you now. Small and all. Many NICU moms can’t say that. No matter what, always hold onto that. I know it’s hard to live with such uncertainty but when it seems frightening just remember what a miracle he is!

    Hugs on a tough day!

  2. April 27, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Thanks, and I swear I’m not this rant-y in person. 🙂

  3. April 27, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    No one is…that’s why we blog, love! 😉


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Drake’s 3rd Birthday

February 20th, 2015

Twitter Updates

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.


%d bloggers like this: