Archive for April, 2013


Confessions of an Angry Mom

I am lucky. I am blessed. There are days I have to repeat those sentences like a mantra because I just can’t overcome the intense anger I feel.

There’s so many reasons I feel angry that I can’t pinpoint just one.

I’m tired of explaining my feelings and having them misunderstood or misinterpreted. I’m tired of being told to get over “it”.

I really miss my sister who’s 1000 miles away. I really miss my best friend from my girlhood who died from an allergic reaction in 2008. I miss my spouse and I seeing eye to eye, and being able to spend 4 hours together without a fight.

I hate that Drake will probably be an only child because of my health, and I hate being asked when he’ll be getting a sister.

I hate being treated like I’m nuts for not putting my son in daycare.

Stop this ride, I want to get off.


Spring Freedom


I know all caps is a no-no, but the end of RSV isolation deserves some caps. We are supposed to keep him away from crowded with kids places a bit longer, but it is so nice to be venturing out as a family!

Last year, RSV season started late, so we were on lockdown after coming home from the NICU until mid-June. We are so thankful to have managed to keep our son healthy and hopefully give him a good start.

There were times it felt like this winter would never end. I can’t wait for the walk in the park and the swinging on his birthday swing that should happen in this weekend’s 60ish weather!



The Posts I Didn’t Write

It’s been a busy few weeks. I thought I would want to write a big, emotional post for the anniversary of Drake’s NICU graduation, 3/24, but it was a Sunday and we just took a walk and baked and decorated cookies. It felt like such a NORMAL, family hanging out day. The kind of day that makes last February feel so far away.

I did make a picture collage from go home day to now at 13 months. What a wonder to see how much he’s grown.

gradiversary collage

Two memories really stick with me from that day. We decided we didn’t want to be separated so the three of us left by way of the parking garage elevator. The same route his father and I had taken every day when leaving Drake behind. I avoided the lobby like the plague. Being wheeled out by my mom on my discharge day next to the lady with the newborn in her arms was still too fresh. The second memory was of the 30 minute drive home. He looked so miserable and tiny in that car seat. He kept his eyes shut the whole way, and I rode in the back with my finger a few inches below his nose once in a while to check his breathing.

Unlike his birthday, that was a day of joy. We all definitely felt the difference in the celebration of the anniversary.

Then last week was our 1 year clubfoot check up. We all got to wear lead aprons and do stand up x-rays at Children’s. They looked AMAZING! You could tell no difference in the structure of his left foot from his right. Yay Drake, Yay Cincy Children’s Orthopedics, Yay PONSETI, and Yay Mom & Dad for strict bracing protocol! We got the verdict that right now we only need to do 12 hours a night, and it should end at 4 years old. We are 25% done with treatment!

Easter was a bittersweet day. We so wanted it to be the day of his baptism, and that wasn’t going to happen due to RSV isolation. Then our church was going to have an outdoor 8am service that we were going to brave, but it was cold and rainy so they couldn’t have it. Mom and Dad were very disappointed. Drake loved his THREE Easter baskets, and didn’t know the difference. What a difference from last year when he was smaller than his bunny!

Will I always have those moments that make my stomach roll over? A family friend asked if we would consider more children. I said a quiet, “I prefer not to answer right now.” Unfortunately, someone overheard and it went to a situation I’d hoped to avoid. What no one knows is I’m actually on blood pressure meds that don’t even allow us to consider it right now. I have to take care of me, first. Not to mention it’s not a discussion for a family/friend Easter dinner. Sigh.

We are so blessed, and despite some bumps on the road we are so very, very lucky. Right now though, I’m not sure I’d want to consider another child who could have very, very different outcomes. Even if I could which is another whole emotional/health thing to work through.

Winter though, can go and take the yucky germs. We’re ready to play tug-of-war with his baseball allegiance (My Cubs vs. His Reds) and go to the Zoo!

Follow ups are coming in May and June for feeding, wellness, and NICU developmental clinic.



Drake’s 3rd Birthday

February 20th, 2015

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