Meeting Family

D and I are visiting family in Louisiana and Texas this week.

It feels so weird to travel on the cusp of RSV season. This time last year we had already been in strict isolation for a month because he wasn’t gaining weight and hernia surgery was looming.

Yesterday, D got to meet his only first cousin. She’s 4, and they are both only children. They played together very well despite the age difference.

It’s really hard for me to live so far away. I’ve always been close to my parents, sister & brother. Then we grew up in a small town so there are other folks I miss tons as well.

In addition to the emotional cousin meet, we had to go through some things of my granny’s. Another reminder of NICU days. She passed away 2 weeks before D was born.

Battling for Medical Procedures

I really respect our PT from Early Intervention. Drake has made huge strides and we have lots to work on, but he soaks it up like a sponge. 

Yesterday, he was tired so he kept bringing her books to read and climbing into her lap. We still made a little headway on stairs. 

We have been having a lot of trouble with him favoring his right hand for doing fine motor activities over his left hand. Apparently toddlers usually don’t choose this early. I just assumed prior to EI that it was normal preference for a stronger side. 

His physical therapist strongly suggests we try to get approval for an MRI pushed through to check things out. D only had one head ultrasound in the NICU, and she’s concerned that if anything happened to cause the generalized weakness on his left side it was missed. 

Apparently trying to get approval for an MRI for a 19/16.5 month adjusted kid is a big deal because they have to put them under general anesthesia for it. So it’s advocating time again. I’m going to try his pediatrician first, and then I’ll move to the NICU follow-up clinic Neonatologist if I don’t get anywhere with him.

To be perfectly honest, I hate the idea of him going under again, too. It took us weeks to get him back to eating properly after his hernia surgery when it sounds like most kids aren’t phased by it at all. 

I guess I’m wondering if other preemie families have had later diagnostics MRI’s done? Were you glad you did? Did it make a difference in the treatment/therapy avenues you pursued? This is my new “research paper” stuff I’m obsessing over. 

In other news, we are not on isolation this winter. It scares me, and we plan to be cautious but he’s had no respiratory issues and his medical team thinks it’s time. 

Happy Neonatal Nurses Day

This is a day late because Drake has his first bad cold and I did not have time to finish.

My mama is a Registered Nurse. I always knew her job was special, but I never truly understood the value of nursing until I witnessed it from the NICU.

Our nurses held and rocked and fed my baby boy when I left each night. They supported me when no breast milk came, and they made sure D got donor milk as long as he could.

They made scrapbook pages and graduation certificates. They gave the first bath and taught me how.

They made me sit that first week before I could hold him even though I wanted to push.

Thank you for your expert care and kindness.

Breaking the Weight Barrier

Yay! We had a well visit and he weighed over TWENTY POUNDS!!! (20.8), BMI 15.5, and managed to stay on his curve within the bottom 1% for his age.

Since he’s looking good, and growing well we get to try coming off high calorie infant formula and just add some other types of high calorie liquids to his diet along with his food. I am so excited. We said goodbye to bottles about two months ago, and now we get to say goodbye to formula.

I know that it probably seems like a weird milestone to be so excited over. His high calorie formula and weight gain have been at the center of all my worries and fears since he was born. I feel like a very large scary elephant has finally started to lumber out of his corner of the room.

Sterilizing gallons of water and zillions bottle parts. Giving myself second degree burns leaning over a steam bottle sterilizer at 2am. Feeling like we should buy stock in Neosure. Going to cardiology. Having metabolic tests run and then run again. Weight checks.

Done, Done, Done!

For anyone out there still struggling through failure to thrive, or failure to gain, or any other preemie-ness things, I am praying for you and thinking of you, Moms and Dads. I hope you get some unexpected milestones to celebrate, too.

We celebrated last night by taking a picnic dinner to the city skate park and watching the bigger boys do flips and turns. He was ready to push his little umbrella stroller out and join them on the course.

THE Look

Pet Peeve, time.

We can’t go ANYWHERE lately without being asked how old D is. Then it’s followed by that incredulous look and sometimes with a spoken, “Really?”

Ouch. Right in the preemie mama feels.

I was there for his birth if a bit groggy from the no sleep and meds to stop labor. I think I KNOW how old my child is. I have to count every calorie that goes into his mouth, and I still know what his exact weight is.

I usually offer a “he was early” and move on.

I do know someday in the not-too-distant future he’ll start to answer for himself. “I’m this many.”

Will he be questioned, too?

Saturday is 17 months day. We’re going to go to Big Bone Lick State Park and see the fossils and baby bison.

Friday is goal setting day. I’m looking forward to having a more formal plan to guide us for the next 6 months.

Arrrrrrrggggghhhhh

Today was Early Intervention evaluation day. I did like our evaluator, but I have to say I’m starting to think my state’s rules on qualifying really suck.

Based on our post-eval discussion, I think D is going to end up one of those kids stuck in the in-between. I honestly feel like finding an isolated spot and just screaming at the top of my lungs for an hour. There is nothing more frustrating and scary than knowing your child needs help and being scared you won’t be able to provide it.

She agreed to some of the same issues I believe we need to be concerned with and even brought to light something I hadn’t yet caught on to.

Of course his NICU follow-up report came in the mail TODAY. Two hours after it could have been useful.

So GRR universe. My body may have failed my son, but I’ll be damned if my mind will. He WILL get the help he needs if I have to work three jobs to get it for him.

I haven’t felt this angry and frustrated since the day I got the Synagis appeal denial letter last fall.

We should hear by the end of the week if he qualifies. Because he is performing at the low end of his adjusted age. He may not qualify for EI until after 24 months. I do not want to wait until he’s 2 to address gross motor and speech delays.

Tomorrow, I will start investigating private options, how our insurance would handle it, and obtaining the referrals needed.

NICU Follow Up

In a few hours, I take Drake for his second NICU follow up clinic. There’s a chance that this time he will be discharged from it. I don’t know whether to feel happy he’s doing so much better than last November or scared that if something develops over the next year it will be that much harder to get him help. I think I just need to learn to not borrow trouble. I’m hoping since we agreed to be part of a study last visit that they’ll bring him back one more time at 2.

We’ll start with a hearing test. He wasn’t sitting up on his own yet at the last appointment, so they couldn’t do part of the test. He was 8 months actual/6 adjusted. The last visit was just 3 weeks after his hernia repair surgery, and he really took off in December developmentally.

We still struggle with weight gain. He was 17.8 lbs at his 15 month wellness a few weeks ago. My biggest fear is that he’ll get sick and lose the hard fought ounces. He has some foods he likes, and is still on 32 ounces of 26 cal/oz formula a day. At the slightest bit of discomfort from teething or any kind of overstimulation, he just stops eating altogether. Maybe I can get the clinic neonatologist and therapists to give me some advice about combating that. It doesn’t seem to concern his pediatrician.

I am very interested to see what they have to say about his hypotonia, and whether that is affecting his walking/lack of walking. He’s got several words he uses sporadically. I think he’s going to do very well on most of the gross and fine motor stuff.

I have some anxiety over this appointment, but my worry and anxiety has been a lot more manageable since RSV isolation ended. At the November appointment, I really hated both being in a hospital and the fact that he was playing with toys other kids had touched. Yuck!

I’m just really thankful I was able to get him down for an early nap. He was half asleep last time, and very angry by the end of the clinic.

6/3 was our scary anniversary. The day he stopped breathing and went blue. I went in the ambulance in a pair of jeans, a nightgown, and a pair of flip flops. I was weirdly calm. The paramedic was freaking out because he expected a 3 month old not a 7 lb newborn sized baby. None of the oxygen masks in the ambulance were small enough. The EMT and paramedic were surprised that I wasn’t freaking out on them. D was very prone to A&B’s in the NICU. I had seen that before just not without a monitor to show me his saturation level. We are so lucky that it was GERD, that he was fine, and that that was our worst day.

 

Long Week

It was a long, long, long week. We had a wellness visit, and I have a big work project forcing me to put in way more than my usual hours. 

Well visits and their gosh durned weight checks are enough alone to put me in a bad mood generally. We rang in this time at 17.86 lbs at 15 months, so we’ll keep plugging along and trying to find stuff he will SWALLOW. 

Anyway, there is a light at the end of my tunnel. My mom, dad, and sister will be here tomorrow from down south. We’ve got first baseball games, a butterfly show, and more zoo trips to look forward to. Along with some good old fashioned hanging out and enjoying each other. 

I truly want to enjoy this summer, and not spend it in anger at myself. I think that’s why I avoided blogging this week. Anything I could write was not going to set the tone I want this summer to have. We will have our wonderful summer. We’re going to MAKE it happen. 

So here’s to drinks on the porch, lightning bugs, and wading pools. A family trip to Sedona, our 13th Anniversary, and trips to the park. LOVE summer!

Happy Memorial Day, folks. Remember your servicemen and women and be safe!

Haunted

Every time I shifted, the steady whoosh-whoosh of the fetal monitor would disappear. I was so scared to go to sleep, afraid that the tiny little man inside would disappear.

The look on the triage nurse’s face at L&D of the hospital I was transferred to just before she slapped an oxygen mask on me and propped me up on my left side.

An entire night of trying to convince the medical team that I was having “constipation pains” and not contractions. I refused to make a sound, believing that would make him be born sooner.

We’re supposed to go to a birthday party today at 1pm. This little boy was born 3 days after my original due date and the differences between the two boys and their development…

Oh I know I’m not supposed to compare, and I can remember that so easily in the comfort of my formerly RSV isolated home.

But I am sitting up, awake, terrified of a 1 year old’s birthday party with other full-term kids. How stupid is that?

With a million “what ifs” running through my head. The main one being, “What if he gets sick?”

But we can’t live in our safe bubble forever…

May the Road Rise to Meet You…

Slainte!

One year ago, my husband and I walked into the NICU at 8 am on Saturday morning, March 17. We had our cooler bag with bottles of my pumped milk from the night before and a “My 1st St. Patrick’s Day” bib. When we arrived at Drake’s pod, we were greeted by our favorite nurse, Ms. C. There was a surprise for us as he had just finished his first full feeding from a bottle!. She gave us the bottle with a handwritten certificate and a green tuft sprouting from the top. We found out at rounds that we could be going home in 2 to 3 weeks if he took to bottle feeding well and there were no more A&B’s or drops in weight gain. This was the first hope we had that Drake might actually be home before Easter.

“May God hold you in the palm of His hand.”

Yesterday, we actually got out of the house and went to our very good friends’ home for Corned Beef & Cabbage and some Rocksmith. D’s very first St. Patrick’s Day party!